the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
