Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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