i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
