my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
