I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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