He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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