i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
they need to just BURY HIM!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Randomize
