You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
