Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
