If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
