I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
