i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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