My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
