i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
