filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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