id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
