hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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