The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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