how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
