I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
a search helicopter?!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
