I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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