After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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