theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
