Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
