UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
