Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
