My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
