Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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