She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
