This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize