Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
