That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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