Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
