So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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