The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
