my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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