I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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