I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
