My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize