I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
