Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think my fart just growled at me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
