I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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