im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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