Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
