You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
