Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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