Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
