I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
