remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
