All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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