hell yes lets make some ravioli
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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