bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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