Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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