still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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