could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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