i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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