shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
