I'm so fucking centered right now
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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