Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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