Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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