So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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