He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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