a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
