i just had sex bonerless
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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